Parenting is a journey filled with moments where we question our approaches, worry about making mistakes, and desperately seek the right answers. In my years of working with families, I’ve seen how this anxiety can affect both parents and children alike. I recently read The Let Them Theory, by Mel Robbins and it got me thinking about this simple yet powerful theory and it’s profound applications to parenting. While there are many psychological tolls and strategies that are akin to to the Let Them Theory (ie. radical acceptance, mindfulness based approached, letting go, to name a few), Mel Robbins candid and straight forward approach offers a refreshing perspective that can help parents gain clarity in their role, and potentially transform your family dynamics- while honouring your child’s emotional development.
Understanding the Let THEM Theory and how it applies to Parenting
At its core, the Let THEM Theory is about recognizing what we can and cannot control in our relationships. Much of our suffering as humans (and parents!) is about wanting things to be different. Wanting a child to react differently, wanting a child to make a different choice, wanting a child to simple BE different that they are. When we apply this theory to parenting, it helps is to see through the difficult moments, and take control of what we can – while keeping our eyes on the long term prize – to grow a healthy, good, and well adjusted human. The theory distinguishes between what we should “let them” do and what we should “let me” (ourselves as parents) do.
The “THEM” part acknowledges that our children are separate individuals with their own emotions, choices, and experiences. We cannot control their feelings, thoughts, or actions. The “ME” part focuses on what we as parents can control: our responses, boundaries, and modeling of healthy behaviors.
This approach aligns beautifully with what we know about child development. Children need space to experience the full range of emotions and learn through trial and error. Meanwhile, parents need tools to maintain their emotional regulation during challenging moments.
The Psychology Behind Letting Go
The Let THEM Theory shares similarities with the concept of Radical Acceptance in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). Radical Acceptance involves acknowledging reality as it is, rather than fighting against it. For parents, this means accepting that children will experience difficult emotions and behaviors as part of their normal development. When we try to control our children’s emotions or prevent them from experiencing disappointment or sadness, we’re actually denying them important learning opportunities (see our other blog post on The Positive Side of Stress: How Healthy Challenges Forge Resilient Kids). By accepting the reality that children will get dysregulated – and that this is normal – we can respond more effectively.
As research on radical acceptance shows, fighting reality only increases our suffering. The same applies in parenting – when we fight against our children’s natural emotional processes, both parent and child experience more distress.
The “Let THEM” Framework for Children
So…what exactly should we “let them” do as parents? Here’s where the theory provides practical guidance:
Let THEM Have the Full Range of Feelings
Children experience emotions intensely, and that’s healthy. When we try to shut down negative emotions like anger, sadness, or frustration, we send the message that these feelings are unacceptable. Instead, we should validate all emotions while guiding appropriate expression. Children can only learn to regulate hard feelings by having them. We WANT our children to experience and feel the full range of emotions so they become adept at tolerating the discomfort of the feeling, can take in the powerful information that feelings are meant to provide, and know that the feeling won’t last forever and the can handle it. After all, resilience and antifragility is about tolerance for discomfort and growth from the experience
Let THEM Make Mistakes
Learning happens through trial and error. When we rush to prevent mistakes or solve problems for our children, we deny them the opportunity to develop problem-solving skills and resilience.
This doesn’t mean abandoning guidance entirely. Instead, it means allowing age-appropriate mistakes with natural consequences. If your child forgets their homework, let them experience the teacher’s response rather than rushing to school with the forgotten assignment.
The key is distinguishing between mistakes that offer learning opportunities and situations that require intervention for safety reasons. Setting clear boundaries is an essential part of this approach, as discussed in our guide on The Art of Boundary Setting.
Let THEM Try and Fail
Closely related to making mistakes is the freedom to attempt challenging tasks that might result in failure. Whether it’s climbing a difficult playground structure or tackling an advanced math problem, children build confidence through perseverance.
When parents hover and intervene too quickly, children miss opportunities to develop grit and determination. This doesn’t mean setting children up for overwhelming failure, but rather allowing them to work through manageable challenges. Learning to be with frustration is a necessary pathway to learning new things. The more our children try, fail, and try again the more likely they are to be successful in their relationship, career and hobbies. Research consistently shows that children develop intrinsic motivation when they’re allowed to struggle and eventually succeed.
Let THEM Make Their Own Decisions
Decision-making is a muscle that grows stronger with use. When children practice making choices from an early age, they develop better judgment and confidence over time.
Start with age-appropriate options: “Would you like to wear the red shirt or the blue one?” As children grow, gradually expand their decision-making territory to include things like how to spend their allowance, which extracurricular activities to pursue, or how to complete a school project.
This gradual release of control prepares children for the increasingly complex decisions they’ll face as teens and adults. The key is to match the decision’s importance with their developmental readiness.
The “Let ME” Framework for Parents
The complementary and equally important aspect of this theory focuses on what parents should “let themselves” do. This is where our own regulation and responses become critical.
Let ME Regulate Myself
Children’s dysregulation is contagious. When they’re melting down, screaming, or defiant, our stress response naturally activates. This is when the “let me” framework is most powerful.
Before addressing your child’s behavior, focus first on your own regulation. Take deep breaths, step away briefly if needed, or use a calming phrase. This isn’t selfish – it’s necessary for effective parenting.
As we discuss in The Critical Role of Parent Regulation, when parents remain regulated during children’s emotional storms, they provide a stable shore for children to return to. Your calm presence actually helps co-regulate your child’s nervous system.
Let ME Choose to Be Skillful
Parenting triggers our own childhood experiences and emotional wounds. In challenging moments, we often default to automatic reactions – perhaps yelling, threatening, or withdrawing – rather than choosing thoughtful responses.
The Let THEM Theory encourages us to pause and make a conscious choice about how to respond. This might mean setting a firm boundary with warmth rather than anger. It might mean validating your child’s feelings while still maintaining a limit. Parenting that attends to both warmth and firmness yields emotionally healthy children – concepts we explore in Warmth and Firmness: The Dual Pillars of Parenting.
Let ME Model Effectiveness
Children learn more from what we do than what we say. When we model effective emotional regulation, problem-solving, and communication, we provide a powerful template for our children to follow.
For example, when you make a mistake, narrate your process out loud: “I forgot to bring the soccer ball to practice. I’m disappointed in myself, but mistakes happen. Next time, I’ll put it by the door the night before.” This shows children how to handle setbacks constructively.
Similarly, when you’re frustrated, model healthy coping: “I’m feeling really stressed right now. I’m going to take five deep breaths before we talk about this.” This teaches children that emotions are manageable and provides them with specific strategies.
Let ME Work With My Child
The Let THEM Theory doesn’t mean abandoning guidance altogether. Rather, it shifts from controlling to collaborating. As parents, we still have wisdom to offer and boundaries to maintain.
Working with our children means engaging them in problem-solving rather than imposing solutions. It means having conversations about values and reasons behind rules rather than demanding blind obedience. And it means respecting their input while still providing direction.
Practical Applications: When to Let THEM and When to Step In
Understanding the theory is one thing; applying it in the messy reality of daily life is another. Here are some practical guidelines for implementing the Let THEM approach:
Safety Always Comes First
The Let THEM Theory doesn’t apply when safety is at stake. Physical safety, emotional safety, and health concerns are areas where parents should maintain appropriate control and intervention.
If your child wants to ride their bike without a helmet, this isn’t a “let them” moment. Similarly, if your teen is being bullied online, active parental involvement is necessary rather than leaving them to figure it out alone.
Consider the Learning Opportunity
Ask yourself: “What might my child learn if I step back here?” Some situations offer rich learning opportunities through natural consequences, while others simply create unnecessary stress or hardship.
For example, if your child doesn’t want to wear a coat and it’s chilly but not dangerously cold, the natural consequence of feeling cold might teach more effectively than arguing. However, if they’re refusing to complete an important school assignment, more parental guidance may be necessary.
Match Independence to Development
The appropriate application of Let THEM principles changes with age. A toddler needs much more guidance than a teenager, though both benefit from appropriate autonomy.
For younger children, Let THEM moments might include choosing between limited options or solving simple conflicts with siblings. For teens, it might include managing their own homework schedule or negotiating curfews within reason. Children’s emotional development unfolds gradually, and our expectations should align with their current capabilities.
Overcoming Challenges in Implementing the Let THEM Approach
Despite its benefits, adopting this approach isn’t always easy. Here are common challenges and how to address them:
Managing Your Own Anxiety
Parents often struggle with letting go because of their own anxiety. When we see our child struggling or making mistakes, our protective instincts kick in strongly.
Practice sitting with your discomfort rather than immediately acting on it. Ask yourself: “Is my intervention necessary for safety, or am I acting to relieve my own anxiety?” Over time, you’ll build tolerance for the temporary discomfort that comes with watching your child navigate challenges.
Balancing Structure and Freedom
Some parents worry that applying the Let THEM Theory means abandoning all structure or guidance. In reality, children thrive with a balance of freedom within appropriate boundaries.
Think of it as a framework rather than an all-or-nothing approach. You can maintain clear family expectations and values while still allowing flexibility and autonomy within those parameters.
Dealing with Resistance
Children accustomed to high levels of parental intervention may initially resist taking on more responsibility. They might say, “You do it!” or “I can’t!” when asked to handle something independently.
Start small and gradually increase expectations. Provide encouragement and acknowledge their efforts even when results aren’t perfect. Over time, most children embrace the confidence that comes with increased autonomy.
The Long-Term Benefits of the Let THEM Approach
While this approach requires patience and consistency, the long-term benefits for both parents and children are substantial:
For Children
Children raised with appropriate autonomy develop stronger decision-making skills, greater resilience, and healthier emotional regulation. They learn that mistakes are opportunities for growth rather than sources of shame.
They also develop intrinsic motivation rather than depending on external rewards or pressure. This serves them well throughout school, relationships, and eventually careers.
Perhaps most importantly, they develop a strong sense of self-efficacy – the belief that they can navigate challenges and influence outcomes in their lives.
For Parents
Parents who embrace the Let THEM approach often experience reduced stress and anxiety. When you’re not trying to control everything, parenting becomes more sustainable and enjoyable.
This approach also supports a more positive parent-child relationship built on mutual respect rather than compliance and control. As your child grows, this foundation supports healthier communication through the teen years and beyond.
Finally, parents often find that focusing on their own responses rather than controlling their children gives them a greater sense of competence and effectiveness.
Conclusion: Finding Your Balance
The Let THEM Theory offers a powerful framework for revitalizing your approach to parenting. By distinguishing between what we should “let them” do and what we should “let me” do, we create space for both children’s growth and our own effectiveness as parents.
Remember that implementation is personal. Every child is different, every family’s values are unique, and every parent brings their own strengths and challenges. The goal isn’t perfect application of the theory but rather a thoughtful balance that works for your family.
As you navigate this approach, be compassionate with yourself. Changing established patterns takes time and practice. There will be days when you nail it and days when old habits resurface. What matters most is your commitment to growth and connection!
