As a parent, dealing with rudeness from your tween can be challenging and frustrating. It can sometimes feel like a drastic shift in the parent-child dynamic, and parents can be left feeling confused, rejected and without a roadmap for how to support their child. It’s important to remember that this behaviour is a normal part of growing up as children navigate the complex journey towards independence. This is a time in development when children are looking to individuate and separate themselves from parental influences as they transition from childhood to adolescence. During this time, your tween is learning to assert their independence, express their ideas and opinions and testing boundaries. This often involves challenging parent authority as they experiment with different aspects of identity, interests, beliefs and peer relationships. Given this time of brain growth and development, kids can sometimes come across as disrespectful or rude. Suddenly the way dad chews at the dinner table is unbearable, or the music that you all used to enjoy is “lame”, or the clothes they used to wear are outdated and childish. While this rocky period can be challenging- it’s necessary. Let’s find out why.
Hormonal changes are often identified as the driver behind mood and behaviour shifts for tween, however, an additional key factor is the rapid brain development that occurs during the tween years. The emotional centers of the brain are actually amplified during these years and can take over other parts of the brain that are responsible for taking more measured action. Your child’s mood is likely to fluctuate often, and they may think in more extreme ways and feel more intensely about things than ever before. This is a relatively short (though it can feel way too long!)- but critical stage through which all children pass through on the road to independence. This emotional rollercoaster can be difficult for them to manage, leading to outbursts or rude behaviour as they try to cope with the full range of feelings.
Understanding the Emotions Behind the Behaviour
To effectively address rudeness in your tween, it’s crucial to look beyond the behavior itself and understand the emotions driving it. Tweens, children between the ages of 8-12, are in the process of individuating but are not quite ready for complete independence. This internal struggle can cause feelings of confusion, irritability and overwhelm. It’s important to understand that the manifestation of unwanted behaviours, such as rudeness, which are actually the result of these negative emotions that are hard for your child to regulate. Knowing that this is a rite of passage, if your child is showing up in this way they are right on time! We can take these moments as opportunities to try to understand the need behind the behaviour, to be present, and to hold the tension of the wishes to be in independent and automonous. When faced with rude behaviour, try to remain calm and avoid reacting with anger or frustration. Instead, take a moment to reflect on what your tween might be feeling. Are they anxious about an upcoming test? Are they feeling left out by their friends? By validating the emotions behind the behaviour, you can help your tween feel heard and understood, which can go a long way in reducing the frequency of rude outbursts
Setting Clear Expectations and Boundaries
While it’s important to be understanding and empathetic, it’s equally crucial to set clear expectations and boundaries regarding acceptable behaviour within your family. When we start with validation, it can lend itself to an open and honest discussion about your expectations. It’s important for them to know the impact of their words and behaviour on the family. While we can certainly let some things slide- after all, their behaviour is expected- calmly addressing their words and behaviours can be important corrective feedback. It’s important to avoid labeling your child as “rude” or “disrespectful,” as this can lead to feelings of shame and resentment. Instead, focus on the specific behaviour and explain why it’s not acceptable. For example, instead of saying, “You’re being so rude right now,” try saying, “The way you spoke to me just now was disrespectful. In our family, we speak to each other with kindness and respect.”
Providing Opportunities for Growth and Repair
Remember that your tween is still learning and developing, and they will make mistakes along the way. When rude behaviour occurs, provide your child with opportunities to try again and make amends. Encourage them to apologize for their actions and brainstorm alternative ways they could have handled the situation. Focus on repair rather than consequences. While consequences may be necessary in some situations, prioritizing your relationship with your tween and focusing on repair will help them learn valuable skills in communication, empathy, and problem-solving. They need your guidance to help them through the process of making things right and expressing their feelings in a more appropriate manner.
Modeling Respectful Communication
As a parent, you are your child’s most influential role model. By consistently demonstrating respectful communication in your own interactions, you set a powerful example for your tween to follow. It can be challenging to not take their words and behaviours personally, especially when there is a marked shift in the dynamics between you and your child. When you find yourself reacting in ways you later regret, take the time to apologize and explain how you could have handled the situation better. This vulnerability and honesty can strengthen your relationship with your tween and encourage them to adopt more respectful communication habits. In general, we cannot expect respect, if we do not show respect. We are also human! We will react ineffectively at time also, and we can move forward skillfully through connection and repair.
Celebrating Progress and Providing Support
Navigating the challenges of the tween years can be a daunting task for both you and your child. Celebrate the small victories along the way and acknowledge your tween’s efforts to communicate more respectfully. Offer descriptive praise when you notice positive changes in their behavior, such as, “I really appreciated how calmly you expressed your frustration earlier. That took a lot of maturity and self-control.”Remember that you are not alone in this journey. Most parents of children ages 8-12 are experiencing some version of the same thing you are! Seek support from friends, family, or a mental health professional if you find yourself struggling to manage your tween’s behaviour. Parenting a tween can be an emotional rollercoaster, and it’s essential to prioritize your own well-being and seek help when needed. By approaching your tween’s rudeness with empathy, clear expectations, and a focus on growth and repair, you can help them navigate this challenging developmental stage and foster a stronger, more respectful relationship. With patience, understanding, and a commitment to positive communication, you and your tween can weather the storms of adolescence together, emerging stronger and more connected on the other side.
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