Understanding how emotions function in humans has been instrumental in guiding how I parent my three children, and it’s one of my favourite pieces of education to teach parents when we begin treatment together. Having a framework to lean back on in moments that our children are dysregulated helps parents to know what’s happening moment to moment for their child, what to do, and when to do it. The way we respond and the timing of our responses are important. This framework provides the reassurance and confidence that parents need to respond effectively to their child’s emotions for years to come.

Three truths about emotions

1. Stress is inevitable at every stage of development. Human responses to stress come in the form of emotions.
2. Emotions come in a wave- they have a beginning, a peak in middle, and an end.
3. It is critical for humans to experience the full wave of emotion to achieve long-term emotional health. This means they have to experience the discomfort of the peak of the emotion and have the confidence to know that the emotion will come down the other side.

The Neuroscience Behind Emotion Waves

Recent neuroscience research has deepened our understanding of how emotions function in the developing brain. Studies from 2023-2024 show that the amygdala, our brain’s emotional alarm system, develops much earlier than the prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for emotional regulation. This developmental gap explains why children experience emotions so intensely and have difficulty managing them independently.

Neuroimaging studies have revealed that during emotional peaks, the amygdala shows heightened activity while the prefrontal cortex shows reduced connectivity. This neural pattern means that during intense emotions, the thinking, reasoning part of the brain is essentially offline. The emotion must naturally decrease in intensity before the prefrontal cortex can come back online and help with regulation. This is why trying to reason with a child at the peak of their emotional wave is neurologically impossible—their brain simply cannot process that information in that state.

Research on polyvagal theory has also enhanced our understanding of co-regulation. When a child is dysregulated, their nervous system is in a state of threat. A calm, regulated parent provides safety cues through their tone of voice, facial expressions, and body language, which helps the child’s nervous system shift from a state of defense back to a state of safety and connection.

Understanding the Phases of the Emotion Wave

To effectively support our children through their emotions, it’s helpful to understand the distinct phases of an emotion wave and what’s happening in each phase:

The Rise (Activation Phase): This is when the emotion is building. You might notice your child’s body tensing, their voice changing, or their breathing quickening. The amygdala has detected a threat or stressor and is activating the stress response. During this phase, simple calming strategies can sometimes prevent escalation—a gentle touch, moving to a quieter space, or acknowledging what they’re feeling.

The Peak (Intensity Phase): This is the most intense part of the wave. Your child may be crying, yelling, or completely overwhelmed. Their prefrontal cortex is offline, and they cannot access reasoning or language effectively. This is NOT the time for teaching, talking, or problem-solving. Your role here is simply to be a calm, safe presence.

The Fall (Recovery Phase): The intensity begins to decrease naturally. You might notice longer pauses between sobs, deeper breaths, or your child seeking connection. The prefrontal cortex is starting to come back online. This is when gentle comfort and physical connection are most effective.

The Resolution (Integration Phase): The emotion has passed, and your child is calm. Now their brain is ready to talk, learn, and problem-solve. This is the optimal time for reflection, repair, and teaching.

Emotion Wave Duration: What’s Normal and What’s Concerning

Parents often ask how long an emotion wave should last. Research suggests that the physiological response to an emotion typically lasts 90 seconds to 2 minutes if uninterrupted. However, in children, waves often last longer—anywhere from 5 to 20 minutes is common, depending on the child’s age, temperament, and the intensity of the trigger.

Toddlers (ages 2-4) may have waves lasting 10-30 minutes, as their regulatory systems are just developing. School-age children (5-10) typically experience waves of 5-15 minutes. Teens may have shorter intense peaks but longer recovery phases as they process complex emotions.

What might be concerning: If emotion waves consistently last more than 45 minutes to an hour, occur multiple times daily, include self-harm or aggression that doesn’t decrease over time, or if your child seems unable to recover even with support, it may be worth consulting with a mental health professional. Additionally, if emotions seem to intensify rather than naturally decrease, or if your child appears “stuck” at the peak, these can be signs that additional support is needed.

When Emotions Don’t Follow the Typical Wave Pattern: Red Flags

While most emotions follow a predictable wave pattern, there are times when the pattern signals a need for professional support:

• Emotions that escalate rapidly with no clear trigger
• Waves that don’t naturally come down, even with co-regulation
• Emotional responses that seem disproportionate to the situation consistently
• A child who cannot be comforted or soothed by caregivers
• Emotions accompanied by dissociation, where the child seems “checked out” or unresponsive
• Increasing frequency and intensity of waves over time rather than improvement
• Emotion waves that include dangerous behaviors toward self or others

These patterns may indicate underlying anxiety, trauma, sensory processing challenges, or other conditions that benefit from professional assessment and intervention.

How Emotion Waves Differ Across Ages

Toddlers (2-4 years): Emotion waves are frequent, intense, and often triggered by seemingly small things. Toddlers have minimal language to express feelings and limited understanding that emotions are temporary. Their waves may include physical behaviors like hitting, throwing, or collapsing. Co-regulation requires more physical presence—holding, rocking, or simply sitting nearby.

Early Elementary (5-7 years): Children this age are developing more language for emotions but still have limited regulatory capacity. They may feel shame about their big emotions. Waves might include dramatic statements like “nobody likes me” or “I’m the worst.” They need validation and reassurance that their feelings are okay, combined with your calm presence.

Late Elementary (8-10 years): Kids are more aware of social expectations and may try to suppress emotions, leading to bigger explosions later. They can start to recognize their own wave patterns with guidance. They benefit from being taught about their emotion waves during calm moments and developing their own coping strategies with your support.

Tweens and Teens (11+ years): Hormonal changes intensify emotions. Teens may withdraw rather than seek connection during waves, which is developmentally normal. They need space but also need to know you’re available. Their waves may be less frequent but more intense, and they’re developing the capacity to ride their own waves with less direct co-regulation. However, they still need your calm presence and validation, even if they don’t seem to want it.

Think of the last time you had an intense negative emotion.

Be it sadness, guilt, shame or anger. It’s uncomfortable. We are all motivated to get out of this state, and we generally know that all things pass and that the intensity of emotions eventually comes down.
Children don’t have a fully developed frontal lobe, which is the part of the brain that helps us do many important things for planning and organization and is also critical for regulating ourselves. As such, having an intense negative emotion can be unbearably uncomfortable for little people- for them, it sometimes feels like it will never end! This explains why children have tantrums, cling to parents, become aggressive, or shut down and withdraw. When their emotions come on fast, the urge that goes along with the emotion is hard to regulate, and the result is often an unwanted behaviour that comes out of the body. This is also why they need you to help them to regulate their emotions. They need your co-regulation.

I believe that how we respond to our child’s emotions are predictive of how our children will learn to regulate themselves in the long term. So, how we respond to our child’s emotions matters- A LOT. I know that as parents, we are doing the best we can in tough moments with our children, however sometimes- with the very best of intentions- we respond in ways that hinder or prevent the learning of important emotion regulation skills.

Common Parent Mistakes During Emotion Waves

Even with the best intentions, parents often fall into patterns that interfere with their child’s ability to ride the emotion wave. Understanding these common mistakes can help us respond more effectively:

1. Fixing: Jumping in to solve the problem immediately. “Don’t worry, I’ll talk to your teacher” or “Here, let me do it for you.” While problem-solving is important, doing it during the wave prevents children from learning they can tolerate discomfort. Problems can be solved after the wave passes.

2. Dismissing: Minimizing or invalidating the emotion. “You’re fine, it’s not a big deal” or “Stop crying, there’s nothing to be upset about.” This communicates that their feelings are wrong, leading to shame and suppression of emotions rather than regulation.

3. Escalating: Becoming dysregulated yourself, raising your voice, or adding your own frustration to the situation. This adds additional waves and teaches children that emotions are dangerous and overwhelming even to adults.

4. Teaching During the Peak: Trying to use the moment as a teaching opportunity. “This is why I told you to…” or “You need to learn that…” The brain cannot learn during emotional peaks. Save all teaching for after the wave.

5. Rushing the Wave: Trying to speed up the process. “Okay, that’s enough now” or “You need to calm down right now.” Emotions have their own timeline and cannot be rushed without being suppressed.

6. Comparing: “Your sister doesn’t act like this” or “Other kids don’t get this upset.” Comparison adds shame and doesn’t help regulation.

Here are two common parent traps that I often see parents fall into when they respond to their child’s emotions:

1. Parents respond to their child’s emotions by allowing the escape of the wave of emotion. Sometimes, parents have difficulty seeing their child upset and become triggered themselves. As a result, parents do things to alleviate painful emotions in their children by distracting them, removing their child from a stressful environment or by just working hard to prevent stressors from triggering their child in the first place. Examples of escaping the wave look like giving in to your child’s wish to have a cookie before dinner after you have said no, and they have become dysregulated. Take your child to their first skating class and leave promptly because they are scared and have a meltdown and will not get on the ice. Call your child’s school to ensure your child is placed with their best buddy so they won’t feel uncomfortable at school.

Here’s the thing about escaping the wave:

• The reason we do it is that it works well in the short term. We alleviate distress, kids feel better, on we go….until the next time.
• We are preventing our children from experiencing the full wave of emotion, thus limiting their ability to practice regulating their emotions.

When parents respond to their child’s emotions by allowing the escape of the wave of emotion.

2. Parents respond to their child’s emotions by escalating emotions and adding waves. Sometimes parents have difficulty relating to their child’s pain and/or have challenges regulating themselves. As a result, parents respond by trying to “fix” the problem, minimize their child’s distress, or become frustrated by the intensity and frequency of their child’s emotions. In these situations, parents tend to do a lot of talking, rationalizing and sometimes pleading with their child.

Here’s the thing about responses that lead to escalation of the wave:

• Kids feel unseen, unheard, and misunderstood
• They move into other emotions (often anger) as a result of point (a)
• Parents feel ineffective, exhausted, and at times guilty for how we have responded
• Again, we are preventing our children from experiencing the full wave of emotion, thus limiting their ability to practice regulating their emotions.

When Parents respond to their child’s emotions by escalating emotions and adding waves.

While there are many unintended consequences of our responses to child emotions, perhaps the most concerning is the notion that we may be getting in the way of our child’s ability to regulate their emotions. Remember: It is critical for humans to experience the full wave of emotion. If we respond to their distress by moving them off of the wave via escape or escalation- we are preventing them from learning to experience and tolerate their emotions and develop their own independent coping strategies when painful emotions come up.

We are instrumental in how our children learn to regulate themselves. First, we do it for them, then we do it with them, and eventually, they will be able to do it for themselves.

The Power of Co-Regulation: How Parent Calm Helps Child Calm

Co-regulation is the process by which a calm, regulated adult helps a dysregulated child return to a state of calm. This isn’t just a nice idea—it’s rooted in neuroscience. Our nervous systems are designed to connect with and influence each other, a phenomenon called neuroception.

When you remain calm in the presence of your child’s big emotions, several things happen:

• Your nervous system sends safety signals: Through your tone of voice, facial expressions, body language, and even your breathing pattern, you communicate to your child’s nervous system that they are safe, even though they feel overwhelmed.
• Mirror neurons activate: Your child’s brain has specialized neurons that mirror what they observe in you. When they see and feel your calm, their brain begins to mirror that state.
• Your presence provides external regulation: Since their prefrontal cortex is offline, they borrow yours. Your regulated state becomes a resource they can use to begin calming their own system.
• You model that emotions are manageable: By staying present with their big emotions without becoming overwhelmed yourself, you teach them that emotions, while uncomfortable, are not dangerous and can be tolerated.

Co-regulation is not about suppressing your child’s emotions or making them stop. It’s about being a calm, safe anchor while they experience the full wave. Over time and with repeated experiences of co-regulation, children internalize this capacity and develop self-regulation.

Current therapeutic approaches, including Trust-Based Relational Intervention (TBRI) and the Neurosequential Model of Therapeutics (NMT), emphasize that co-regulation is the foundation of all emotional development. These evidence-based frameworks, widely used in trauma-informed care and adopted in clinical practice since 2022, demonstrate that felt safety through connection is the prerequisite for learning regulation skills.

Teaching Children About Their Own Emotion Waves

As children develop, we can help them understand their own emotion patterns. This metacognitive awareness—thinking about their own thinking and feeling—is a powerful tool for self-regulation.

For younger children (ages 4-7): Use simple language and visuals. Draw waves together and talk about how feelings go up and down like waves in the ocean. Read books about emotions. During calm moments, reflect on recent emotion waves: “Remember when you were really mad about the toy? Your mad feelings got really big, and then they got smaller. That’s what feelings do—they always come back down.”

For school-age children (ages 8-11): Introduce the concept of the emotion wave explicitly. Help them identify the physical sensations that signal their wave is rising (tight chest, hot face, clenched fists). Create a “wave map” together showing what helps at different phases. Practice identifying where they are on the wave in real-time.

For teens (ages 12+): Discuss the neuroscience behind emotions. Teens often respond well to understanding what’s happening in their brains. Help them track patterns—what triggers their waves, how long they typically last, what helps them recover. Encourage them to develop their own regulation toolkit. Respect their growing need for independence while remaining available.

Key messages to reinforce at all ages:

• All emotions are okay and normal
• Emotions always come down—they don’t last forever
• You can handle your emotions, and I’m here to help
• The more you practice riding waves, the easier it gets
• Everyone has emotion waves, including adults

Riding Your Own Emotion Wave as a Parent

Perhaps the most challenging aspect of supporting our children through their emotions is managing our own. When our child is dysregulated, we often become triggered ourselves. We might feel anxiety, frustration, anger, or even shame. This is completely normal—parenting activates our own nervous system.

The truth is, you cannot effectively co-regulate your child if you are dysregulated yourself. Your child’s nervous system will pick up on your dysregulation, which will escalate rather than calm their state. This is why your own emotion regulation is not selfish—it’s essential.

Recognize your own wave rising: Learn your personal signals. Do you feel heat in your chest? Does your jaw clench? Does your breathing become shallow? The earlier you catch your own wave, the easier it is to manage.

Have a regulation practice: You need tools that work for you. Deep breathing, stepping away briefly, placing your hand on your heart, counting to ten, or using a grounding technique. Practice these daily, not just in crisis moments.

Understand your triggers: What about your child’s emotions triggers you most? Crying? Defiance? Aggression? Often our triggers connect to our own childhood experiences. Understanding this can help you respond rather than react.

Give yourself permission to pause: If you feel yourself becoming dysregulated, it’s okay to say, “I need a minute to calm my body down, and then I’ll be right back.” This models healthy regulation and prevents escalation.

Repair when needed: If you do become dysregulated and respond in ways you regret, repair with your child afterward. “I got really frustrated earlier and raised my voice. That wasn’t okay. I was having big feelings too, and I didn’t handle them well. I’m sorry.” This teaches that everyone has emotion waves and that mistakes can be repaired.

Seek support: If you find yourself consistently unable to stay regulated during your child’s emotions, this is valuable information. Consider working with a therapist to explore your own emotion patterns and develop stronger regulation skills. This is an investment in both your wellbeing and your child’s.

Remember: You don’t have to be perfectly calm. You just need to be calm enough. Your child doesn’t need a robot parent; they need a human parent who is trying, who repairs when they mess up, and who keeps showing up.

So….what should we do?

Learn to regulate yourself. The easiest thing for me to say and the hardest thing to do! I believe that all parents need to have a reliable way to calm their bodies down to be in a place to parent mindfully and intentionally. Breathe, meditate, exercise- find a practice that will help to regulate yourself every day, and in the moments your child triggers you with their dysregulation. Like any other skill, you need the practice under your belt to draw on the skill when you need it most. You don’t show up to a marathon having never run a mile.

Don’t talk too much. Children can’t take in any information when they are in an emotional state. Talking too much often backfires so save your words for later (see step 4).

Let them ride their wave. The full, ugly, uninterrupted- sometimes very long- wave. Get out of the way. Stay close and let them use your regulation to help regulate themselves. Name their emotions- and let them know that those emotions make sense. Hug them if they will let you, breathe deep, and stay close.

This is the essence of co-regulation.

Do the talking after the wave has passed. If problems need to be solved, repairs need to be made, or processing needs to take place- do all of that after the intensity of the wave has passed when their brain is in a place to hear you again.

Practical Response Strategies for Each Phase of the Emotion Wave

During the Rise (Activation Phase):

• Lower your voice and slow your speech
• Get down to your child’s eye level
• Offer a simple choice if appropriate (“Do you want to sit here or in the cozy corner?”)
• Name what you see: “I can see you’re getting upset”
• Reduce stimulation—turn off music, dim lights, minimize audience
• Offer a sensory tool if your child is receptive (fidget, stress ball, weighted lap pad)

During the Peak (Intensity Phase):

• Prioritize safety—remove dangerous objects, ensure they can’t hurt themselves or others
• Say very little—”I’m here” or “You’re safe” is enough
• Stay close but respect their space if they push you away
• Breathe deeply yourself—your calm nervous system is the intervention
• Resist the urge to fix, teach, or reason
• If needed, provide a safe space for them to be loud or physical (pillows to punch, space to stomp)
• For younger children, sometimes gentle rocking or holding helps; for older children, often presence without touch is better

During the Fall (Recovery Phase):

• Offer physical comfort—a hug, back rub, or sitting close
• Provide water or a small snack (regulating blood sugar helps regulation)
• Use simple validation: “That was really hard” or “You got through it”
• Match their energy—if they’re still catching their breath, stay quiet; if they’re ready to talk, listen
• Avoid immediately jumping into consequences or lessons

During the Resolution (Integration Phase):

• Reflect on what happened: “You were really disappointed when…”
• Problem-solve together if needed: “What could we do differently next time?”
• Address any behaviors that need addressing, but separate the emotion from the behavior: “It’s okay to be angry. It’s not okay to hit. When you’re angry, you can…”
• Reinforce their capability: “You handled those big feelings. I’m proud of you”
• If repairs are needed, facilitate them: “Your brother was scared when you yelled. What could you do to help him feel better?”
• Reconnect—play together, read a book, or just be together in a positive way

The moments when intense emotions fire are challenging. I encourage parents to reframe these moments as little gifts our children give us to help them learn the complicated skill of emotion regulation. The skill of tolerating discomfort, sitting with pain, and feeling the emotion- while limiting (or at least delaying) the unwanted behaviours. They’ll thank you when they are fully launched and prepared to face the inevitable stressors that life throws at them.

There is so much we can do to help prepare our children for long-term emotional health. Check out my tips and strategies on being proactive about learning the skills to help children build emotion regulation.