Parental Attention: How Your Focus Shapes Your Child’s Behavior

As a mom and clinical psychologist, I’ve seen firsthand how our attention as parents can be like a superpower – it can either strengthen our connection with our kids or accidentally reinforce behaviors we’d rather not see. When we give our children positive attention, we reinforce good behavior and help them feel valued and loved. On the other hand, when we give them negative attention, we may inadvertently reinforce undesirable behaviors and create a cycle of frustration for both parent and child. Let me share what I’ve learned about using this superpower wisely!

Three Truths About Parental Attention

1. Our children are literally wired to seek our attention (it’s a survival thing!)
2. Any type of attention – positive or negative – reinforces behavior
3. The way we give attention today shapes how our children will seek it tomorrow

Think about the last time your child did something that drove you up the wall – maybe it was a tantrum in the grocery store or refusing to put on their shoes for the hundredth time. Our natural response is often to react strongly, but here’s the thing: that big reaction? It’s actually teaching our kids that this is a great way to get our attention!

How to Use Your Attention Superpower: 8 Practical Tips

1. Catch them being good Start your day looking for positive behaviors to notice. Even small things like “I see you put your bowl in the sink!” make a big difference.
2. Give attention immediately When you spot good behavior, respond right away. Quick feedback helps your child connect their action with your positive attention.
3. Be specific with your praise Instead of “good job,” try “You shared your toys with your sister without me asking – that was so kind!”
4. Plan daily connection time Set aside 15 minutes each day for child-directed play. Let them lead, and just be present and interested in what they’re doing. Check out our blog on play.
5. Stay calm during challenging moments When your child misbehaves, take a deep breath. Respond calmly rather than react emotionally. Some effective techniques for staying calm in the face of challenging behavior include counting to ten before responding, using “I” statements to express our own feelings without placing blame, and finding moments to step away and regroup when needed. Learning our own self-regulation techniques, and ways to create  balance in parenting are critical to giving us the tools and support we need to be effectvive in these moments.
6. Redirect without drama When you need to stop a behavior, do it calmly and redirect to something positive: “Blocks are for building. Let’s see what tower you can make!”
7. Be consistent Your attention superpower works best when you use it consistently. It might take time, but steady, predictable responses help your child learn..

Try to Remember…

Every child acts out sometimes – it’s part of growing up and learning. When your child is seeking attention in challenging ways, try to see it as them saying “I need connection!” When we respond by strengthening our relationship rather than getting caught in power struggles, we help our children learn better ways to get their needs met.

The next time your child is pushing your buttons (and they will!), take a deep breath and remember: your attention is powerful. You get to choose how to use it. Focus on the behaviors you want to see grow, stay calm during the tough moments, and trust that your consistent, loving attention is helping your child learn and develop in exactly the way they need to.

This is the true power of parental attention – the ability to shape not just our children’s behavior in the moment, but their entire emotional landscape and future trajectory. By being intentional about where and how we focus our attention, we have the opportunity to create a world of difference for our children and for generations to come.

Want more support? Check out my workshop on building strong connections with your child, where we dive deeper into these strategies and practice them together!