Pillars of Parenting: Warm and Firm

I remember when I was pregnant with my first child I was riddled with anxiety.  All my kindred anxious parents will hear me when I say – change is hard for me- and having a child is about the biggest change I would ever experience.  And so, as a first-time mother, I sought advice from one of my trusted supervisors.  I remember quite clearly asking him “How can I not screw this kid up?!” At this point my supervisor was a seasoned, wise and skilled child psychologist- he responded by saying “In all the work I have done with families, two things are most important.  First- be warm, have fun, and love hard.  And second- be firm- kids need boundaries rules, and guidance.”  To this day- in my own family with three school-age children, and in my clinical practice I hold this advice in high regard.  Also, it turns out that it reflects decades of research on parenting!

Like most hard things in life- having knowledge and buy-in is one thing, and actually implementing this knowledge is another! Finding the right balance between being firm and warm with our children is tricky, to say the least. This is a continual process of self-reflection, patience, understanding and an unwavering commitment to our children’s well-being.

Warmth in parenting is about creating an environment where our children feel seen, supported, and understood. It involves daily doses of play, laughter, attunement, and active listening. When we approach our children with warmth, we create a safe space for them to express themselves, explore their emotions, and develop a strong sense of self-worth. Warmth is the fertilizer for deep connections between parents and children, which lays the foundation for a trusting, loving and respectful relationship with our children.

On the other hand, firmness is about setting clear boundaries and expectations. It turns out that establishing limits that children cannot change, provides our children with a sense of structure and security. Despite what their protest may communicate- in the long term, understanding that there are some things in life that are immovable is actually helpful for our children.  As Dr. Gordon Neufeld, a renowned developmental psychologist, explains, children need to experience “tears of futility” – moments where they realize that certain boundaries cannot be crossed. This process of moving from protest to tears is very important for infants, toddler and school age children to learn within the the context of a connected and loving family. Based on my experience working with countless families, I believe this is a key developmental task that children need to start learning, beginning in toddlerhood.  Learning that you cannot change something is an essential lesson that forms the foundation of self-regulation, resilience, and respect for authority.

When the balance between these two pillars is skewed, the outcomes for our children’s emotional and behavioural regulation are not optimal. Too much warmth without firmness can lead to permissive parenting, where children lack discipline and struggle to develop self-control. Children in these situations may try hard to escape challenging circumstance, experience anxiety, depressions and have difficulty taking risks. They may exhibit disruptive behaviours or clinginess, as they have not internalized the life lessons that immovable boundaries and follow through on expectations are intended to teach.  On the flip side, too much firmness without warmth can result in authoritarian parenting, where children feel emotionally disconnected and may struggle with self-worth and autonomy.

It’s important to recognize that setting boundaries and limits doesn’t have to come from a place of anger or harshness. In fact, empowering parental responses involve delivering firm messages with love and understanding. When we approach discipline as an opportunity to teach rather than punish, we help our children develop a sense of accountability and responsibility.

It’s important to remember that our children are learning. They learn by testing limits, challenging authority, and making mistakes along the way. This is a normal and even necessary part of development.  Our job, as hard as it may be, is to help them through these experiences with patience, empathy, and unwavering support- grounded in the knowledge of the importance of being warm and firm as a guiding framework.

As we navigate the complex terrain of parenting, let us remember that the journey is as much about our own growth as it is about our children’s. By embracing the art of warm and firm parenting, we not only shape the lives of our children but also deepen our own capacity for love, empathy, and personal transformation.

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