The Positive Side of Stress: How Healthy Challenges Forge Resilient Kids

As a parent, it’s natural to want to protect your children from stress and adversity. We often go to great lengths to ensure their happiness and well-being, but what if I told you that a certain amount of challenge and adversity is not only important but actually essential for their growth and development? In this article, we’ll explore why we need stress, when it becomes too much and the effects of this, and how we can support our children to develop resilience as they navigate life’s challenges in a healthy way.

The Benefits of Stress: Building Resilience and Adaptability

Humans are built with the circuitry to handle stress.  Through evolution humans have developed refined built-in mechanisms that allow us to manage the demands of day to day life.  In small doses, the body’s natural response to adversity kicks in-  which can be incredibly beneficial. Research suggests that small doses of stress promotes neural growth, enhances motivation, and helps us develop the skills we need to cope with life’s ups and downs. As Nassim Taleb, author of “Antifragile,” argues, humans need a wide variety of experiences to develop into flexible, socially skilled adults. He suggests that humans require adversity to practice using their coping skills, build confidence, and become thriving adults.  It’s essential that children have experiences of fear, conflict, and even some exclusion—this stress is good, as they learn to cope and adapt.

Think of it like a muscle: just as our physical muscles need resistance to grow stronger, our emotional muscles need challenges to develop resilience. When children face manageable levels of stress, they learn problem-solving skills, emotional regulation, and the ability to bounce back from setbacks. These are invaluable tools that will serve them well throughout their lives.

The Dangers of Chronic Stress: When It Becomes Too Much

While some stress is beneficial, chronic or excessive stress can have serious consequences for mental and physical health. Chronic stress – the stress that lasts for days, weeks, or even years is much worse than stress that comes on quickly but does not last long, for example being excluded from play at recess.  Chronic stress occurs when we face ongoing challenges without adequate support or resources to cope- making it challenging to recover, adapt and get stronger for the next challenge. This type of stress can lead to anxiety, depression, and other mental health issues, as well as physical problems like heart disease and diabetes.

The Inverted U-Shaped Curve of Stress

So, how do we strike the right balance between beneficial stress and harmful stress? The answer lies in the inverted U shape pattern in the relationship between stress and well-being. This pattern suggests that performance and well-being are optimized when stress levels are moderate—not too low, not too high.

When stress levels are too low, we may lack motivation and feel bored or unfulfilled- and be missing important opportunities to build confidence and coping skills. On the other hand, when stress levels are too high, we can become overwhelmed, anxious, and unable to cope. The key is to find that sweet spot in the middle, where we feel challenged but not overwhelmed, engaged but not exhausted. In short, a little stress is beneficial to development, but too much is detrimental.

Parenting in the Age of Overprotection: Allowing for Healthy Stress

In today’s parenting culture, there’s a tendency to promote too much safety and prevent children from experiencing stress. While this comes from a place of love and concern, it can actually be problematic in the long run. By shielding children from all stress and challenges, we rob them of the opportunity to develop resilience and coping skills. In fact, the over-emphasis on safety combined with overprotection (along with other important factors including the introduction of the smartphone –  see Jonathan Haidt’s The Anxious Generation) has been linked to a general deterioration of child and adolescent mental health.

As parents, we can support our children’s growth by managing stress in children through parenting. Here are some tips:

1. Understand the need for some stress— some is good- too much is not.
2. Get to know your triggers.  What’s it like for you to see your child struggle?  If you are like most parents- it’s hard!! Having an awareness of your reactions, where they come from, and finding ways to manage your own regulation can help you step back and let the adversity do its work.  The important work that creates the conditions for building resilience.
3. Let kids play unsupervised.  Play is the language of children- it’s where children encounter small doses of stress consistently.  By allowing them to navigate social dynamics and solve problems on their own you are providing the opportunities to build skills and learn to regulate their emotions.
4. Don’t rescue them from natural consequences; let things happen to them and them learn from their mistakes. Natural consequences are our children’s best teachers.  It’s where true self-reflection, thoughtful planning, and resilience are born.
5. Step in when you need to.  Provide support and guidance when stress levels become too high.

Embracing the Power of Stress: Growing Together

In conclusion, stress is a natural and necessary part of life. By embracing the power of healthy stress, we can help our children develop the resilience and adaptability they need to thrive in an ever-changing world. As parents, our role is to provide a supportive environment where children can face challenges, learn from their experiences, and grow into confident, capable adults.

Remember, it’s not about eliminating stress altogether, but rather finding the right balance and providing the tools and support our children need to navigate life’s ups and downs. By doing so, we set them up for a lifetime of emotional well-being and success.

Each child differs in their ability to tolerate stress. If you or your child are struggling- we can help.  At FFEW we use evidence-based tools and strategies to equip parents and children with the skills they need to navigate the ups and downs of childhood and adolescence.  Please don’t hesitate to reach out to us, and we can connect you with one of our skilled clinicians.

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