Parenting is a wild ride, and if you are like most parents- you’re usually so busy keeping your little humans alive that your own emotional needs get tossed aside. But here’s the truth I’ve learned (sometimes the hard way): taking care of yourself isn’t selfish, it’s essential. You can’t pour from an empty cup.
We know that validation is essential for children to learn to regulate themselves in the long run (see our blog post on this topic). We often spend so much time thinking about our kids’ feelings – but when was the last time we extended that same compassion to ourselves? Self-validation is about treating yourself with the same grace you’d offer your best friend after a rough day. It’s about recognizing that your emotions are real, they matter, and they don’t need to be justified to anyone. You can’t pour from an empty cup.
Embracing Our Emotions Without Judgment
Self-validation is tough, especially when our inner critic is working overtime. Parenting culture today has raised the expectations for caregivers to be superhuman – always calm, perpetually patient, never breaking a sweat- while looking after a home, being your child’s playmate, chauffeur, and best friend- AND working a day job. That expectation is a setup for failure.
Imagine turning inward not as an opportunity to beat yourself up, but as a chance to understand yourself deeply. When you feel that surge of emotion – whether it’s frustration, anger, or anxiety – pause and ask: Why am I reacting this way? Often, the roots trace back to our own childhood experiences.
Take a moment and listen to what’s really happening beneath the surface. Too often, we mistake our internal dialogue for truth – a constant stream of criticism that does nothing but make us feel worse. But what if, instead, we approached ourselves with the same compassion we’d offer a dear friend?
Validating yourself doesn’t mean excusing bad behavior. It means understanding the kernel of truth in your reaction. Maybe you’re reactive when your child yells because you were never allowed to express those same emotions growing up. Perhaps your anxiety about your child’s success stems from a deep, loving place of wanting the best for them.
Dig beneath the anger. There is usually another more painful emotion under there. Is it disappointment? Fear? Hurt? Loneliness? Shame? The anger is just the messenger, not the message. Try saying to yourself: “My heart is racing, and this is a very difficult moment for me.” Or “It makes sense that I’m feeling overwhelmed right now.”
Paradoxically, when we stop judging ourselves and start understanding ourselves, we create space for real change. Self-validation isn’t about being perfect – it’s about being human, with all the messy, complicated emotions that come with it.
Calming Ourselves Before Responding to Our Children
One of the most profound benefits of self-validation is its impact on our interactions with our children. When we take the time to calm and soothe ourselves before responding to challenging behaviors or emotions, we create space for more intentional and effective parenting.
Strategies such as deep breathing, taking a short break, or engaging in a grounding activity can help us regulate our own emotions and approach our children with greater patience and understanding. By prioritizing our own emotional well-being, we become better equipped to support our children’s growth and development.
It’s important to note that self-validation is not about dismissing or minimizing the impact of our children’s behaviors on our emotional state. Rather, it’s about recognizing that our own emotional regulation is a crucial component of effective parenting. When we take responsibility for our own reactions and work to manage them in a healthy way, we create a more stable and supportive family environment.
The Ripple Effect of Self-Validation
The benefits of self-validation extend far beyond our own emotional well-being. When we model healthy emotional processing and self-compassion, we teach our children valuable skills that will serve them throughout their lives.
Kids don’t just hear what we say – they absorb how we feel, how we handle ourselves. When we learn to sit with our own emotions, to treat them with respect, we’re basically giving our kids an emotional roadmap. The goal is for our children to feel comfortable with the FULL range of emotions. Not just the happy stuff, but the messy, complicated emotions too. That’s the gift of having a parent who’s done their own emotional homework. We’re teaching them that feelings aren’t something to be afraid of or shut down – they’re just signals, information about what’s happening inside us. By sitting with our own emotions, we’re not just healing ourselves. We’re creating a healthy blueprint for our kids.
Cultivating a Practice of Self-Validation
Incorporating self-validation into our daily lives requires intentional practice and commitment. Here are some key recommendations for parents looking to enhance their emotional self-awareness and self-compassion:
Get Curious about your Reactions
Start paying attention. What’s happening inside you right now? Your racing heart, that tightness in your chest, the way your shoulders climb up to your ears – these are all messages. Listen.
Name It to Tame It
Put words to what you’re experiencing. “I’m feeling overwhelmed.” “My stomach is in knots.” Separate the facts from your spin on things. Who, what, when, where – just the raw details.
Finding Your Support
Whether it’s a therapist, a friend, or a support group – don’t try to do this alone. We’re not meant to navigate our emotions in isolation. Having a safe and supportive space to explore your feelings and experiences can be incredibly valuable, especially during times of stress or transition.
Keep a Journal
Consider keeping a journal to track your emotions and reactions over time. Writing about your experiences can help you gain clarity, process difficult feelings, and identify patterns in your emotional responses. Make sure to approach your journaling with a spirit of curiosity and self-compassion, rather than judgment or criticism.
Practice Mindfulness
Engage in daily mindfulness exercises, such as meditation or deep breathing, to cultivate greater emotional awareness and presence. Even a few minutes of mindful practice each day can have a profound impact on our ability to recognize and validate our own emotions.
For more insights on parenting and emotional well-being, explore these related articles:
Validating Your Child’s Feelings Effectively
The Critical Role of Parent Regulation
