Parenting can feel like navigating uncharted waters, especially when raising a child whose emotions run deep and intense. At FFEW, we’ve seen how parents can feel overwhelmed, confused, and sometimes even helpless when their child experiences emotions with an intensity that appears disproportionate to the situation. These children might have explosive reactions to seemingly minor problems, or feel joy so intensely that they become overwhelmed with excitement. Understanding and supporting these emotionally intense children requires special attention, patience, and strategies—but the journey is incredibly rewarding.
Emotional intensity is not a disorder or something that needs to be “fixed.” Rather, it’s a temperament trait that some children are born with. These children experience emotions more deeply and intensely than others. They feel everything—from happiness to sadness, from frustration to excitement—at a heightened level.
When working with parents, I often explain that emotionally intense children are like sports cars with massive horsepower! They respond quickly, powerfully, and sometimes unpredictably. While other children might have a longer fuse (and be driving a golf cart 🙂 or more moderate emotional responses, these children feel emotions with their whole being.
Understanding Emotional Intensity in Children
Common Signs of Emotional Intensity
- Strong emotional reactions that seem bigger than the situation calls for
- Difficulty transitioning between activities or handling changes in routine
- Heightened sensitivity to sensory inputs (sounds, textures, lights)
- Deep empathy for others, sometimes taking on others’ emotions
- Passionate interests and strong opinions
- Perfectionism or fear of failure
- Difficulty calming down after becoming upset
- Remaining at the height of the intense emotion for a longer period of time
- Intense joy and excitement that can quickly shift to overwhelm
These children can display intense emotional and behavioural regulation. Research supports that emotional intensity often has biological roots. The studies on brain development suggest that some children have a more reactive limbic system (the emotional center of the brain) and a still-developing prefrontal cortex (responsible for emotional regulation). This combination creates the perfect storm for big emotion combined with poor regulation.
Understanding this neurological basis helps parents move away from blaming themselves or their child, and toward compassion and effective support strategies. Your child isn’t choosing to be difficult—their brain is wired to experience emotions this way.
Supporting Without Suppressing Emotions
The most crucial aspect of parenting an emotionally intense child is learning to support their emotions without trying to suppress them. In our clinical practice, we see many well-intentioned parents who try to minimize or dismiss their child’s emotions, saying things like “It’s not a big deal” or “Stop overreacting.” This approach typically backfires, leading to even more intense emotions and a child who feels misunderstood.
Instead, validating your child’s feelings effectively is essential. This doesn’t mean agreeing with the behavior that might emerge from the emotion, but rather acknowledging that the feelings driving their behaviour are real and important.
Validation Strategies That Work
When your child is experiencing intense emotions, try these approaches:
- Name the emotion: “I can see you’re feeling really frustrated right now.”
- Show that you understand: “It’s hard when things don’t go as planned.”
- Avoid judgment: Instead of “You’re overreacting,” try “That really upset you.”
- Separate feelings from behaviors: “It’s okay to feel angry, but it’s not okay to hit.”
- Be present: Sometimes just sitting quietly with your child sends a powerful message that you’re there for them no matter what.
Through understanding how emotions function, you can learn to ride your child’s emotional waves rather than fighting against them. Think of emotions as waves—they rise, peak, and eventually subside. Our job as parents isn’t to stop the waves but to teach our children how to surf them.
Creating Space for Big Feelings
Emotionally intense children need to know that the full range of emotions are acceptable, even if some behaviors are not. Creating a “feelings-friendly” home means:
- Modeling healthy emotional expression yourself
- Having regular check-ins about feelings
- Creating a calm-down space where your child can go to process big emotions
- Using books, art, or play to explore different emotions
- Celebrating emotional awareness and growth
Remember that parenting through self-validation is equally important. When you validate your own emotions, you’re better equipped to handle your child’s intensity without becoming overwhelmed yourself.
Creating Consistent Boundaries Without Power Struggles
Emotionally intense children need boundaries even more than their peers, though they may resist them more strongly. Boundaries provide security and predictability, which helps these children navigate a world that often feels overwhelming.
In our work with families, I’ve found that the most effective boundaries are those that are clear, consistent, and communicated with empathy. Think of boundaries not as walls that restrict your child but as guidelines that help them feel safe.
Setting Boundaries That Stick
- Be clear and specific about expectations
- Explain the “why” behind rules in age-appropriate terms
- Focus on a few important boundaries rather than having rules for everything
- Involve your child in creating family rules when possible
- Use visual cues or schedules for younger children
- Maintain consistency between caregivers
When enforcing boundaries, remember that emotionally intense children may have stronger reactions to perceived unfairness or restrictions. Understanding temperament intensity helps us prepare for these reactions and respond effectively.
When Boundaries Are Tested
When emotions run high and boundaries are tested (which will happen!), try these approaches:
- Stay calm and regulated yourself—your state directly affects your child’s ability to calm down
- Use a low, steady voice rather than matching your child’s intensity
- Acknowledge feelings
- Give space when needed, then reconnect
- Focus on problem-solving rather than punishment
- Use natural consequences when possible
- Engage in repairs for you and your child when needed
Remember that the critical role of parent regulation cannot be overstated. Your ability to stay regulated during your child’s emotional storms serves as both a model and a stabilizing force.
Managing Family Dynamics
Having an emotionally intense child can affect the entire family system. Siblings may feel that the intense child gets more attention or that family activities are limited by one child’s needs. Partners might disagree on how to respond to emotional outbursts, creating tension in the relationship.
At FFEW we work with families to create a balanced approach that meets everyone’s needs while supporting the emotionally intense child.
Balancing Needs Within the Family
- Create regular one-on-one time with each child
- Help siblings understand their brother or sister’s temperament without labeling anyone as “difficult” or “easy”
- Teach all family members basic emotional regulation skills
- Hold regular family meetings to discuss concerns and celebrate successes
- Consider the needs of the whole family when making plans, while still accommodating sensitivities
- Be mindful of not letting the emotional intensity of one child dominate family life
Recent parenting surveys show that managing family dynamics is one of the most challenging aspects of raising children with intense emotions. Parents often report feeling pulled in multiple directions, trying to meet everyone’s needs while maintaining harmony.
Building On Your Child’s Emotional Strengths
While parenting an emotionally intense child comes with challenges, it’s important to recognize and celebrate the strengths that often accompany emotional intensity. These children typically possess remarkable qualities that, when channeled effectively, become tremendous assets.
The Gifts of Emotional Intensity
Emotionally intense children often show:
- Deep empathy and compassion for others
- Passionate commitment to causes they believe in
- Creative thinking and artistic abilities
- Strong sense of justice and fairness
- Ability to form deep connections with others
- Persistence and determination
- Heightened awareness of their environment
The Davidson Institute’s research on gifted children notes that emotional intensity often accompanies intellectual, creative, or leadership giftedness. By focusing on these positive aspects, we help our children develop a healthy relationship with their emotional nature.
Helping Your Child Harness Their Emotional Power
As parents, we can help our children channel their emotional intensity in positive ways:
- Identify and develop their natural talents and interests
- Teach them to recognize their emotional strengths (“You really understand how other people feel”)
- Connect them with mentors who share similar temperaments
- Find appropriate outlets for emotional energy (arts, sports, advocacy)
- Show them how their sensitivity makes them effective helpers, leaders, or creators
- Help them see the connection between their deep feelings and their capacity for joy, creativity, and connection
One approach that has shown promising results for emotionally intense adolescents is Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) skills. A resource on DBT for teens explains how these skills help young people harness emotional intensity while building effective coping strategies.
Practical Strategies for Everyday Challenges
Parenting an emotionally intense child requires practical strategies that can be implemented in the midst of daily life. These aren’t just theoretical ideas but tools that I’ve seen work with countless families in my practice.
Preventive Approaches
Many emotional storms can be prevented or minimized with these approaches:
- Maintain predictable routines and prepare for transitions
- Give advance notice before changes or transitions
- Watch for signs of escalating emotions and intervene early
- Be mindful of hunger, fatigue, and over/under stimulation factors
- Create regular outlets for emotional energy
- Teach and practice calming techniques during calm times
- Use visual schedules and timers to create predictability
In-the-Moment Strategies
When emotions are running high, try these techniques:
- Use the “connection before correction” approach
- Provide a calming physical presence without demanding talk
- Offer sensory tools that help with regulation (weighted blankets, fidgets)
- Use simple, concrete language
- Provide choices within limits
- Recognize when to step back and give space
Research from the National Institutes of Health confirms that consistent, responsive parenting strategies can significantly improve outcomes for emotionally intense children, reducing both parent and child stress over time.
Building Long-Term Skills
Beyond managing moments of intensity, we want to help our children develop skills they can use throughout life:
- Emotional literacy—being able to name and understand feelings
- Self-regulation techniques appropriate for their age
- Problem-solving skills for emotional challenges
- Understanding the mind-body connection
- Healthy ways to express all emotions, including anger and frustration
- Self-advocacy skills for expressing needs appropriately
Remember that skill-building takes time. The frontal lobe, which governs emotional regulation, doesn’t fully develop until the mid-twenties. Be patient with your child—and yourself—as you work together to build these essential life skills.
When to Seek Additional Support
While emotional intensity is a temperament trait and not a disorder, there are times when additional support can be beneficial for both children and parents. In my experience, seeking help isn’t a sign of parenting failure but rather a proactive step toward your family’s well-being.
Consider professional support if:
- Your child’s emotional intensity significantly interferes with daily functioning, relationships, or learning
- You notice signs of anxiety, depression, or other mental health concerns alongside emotional intensity
- Family relationships are being seriously strained
- Your child expresses feelings of being “broken” or “different” in a negative way
- Parenting strategies that should help aren’t making a difference
- You’re feeling consistently overwhelmed, depleted, or ineffective as a parent
- Your child exhibits intense emotional and behavioural dysregulation
Early intervention can make a significant difference. According to research on developmental differences in children, appropriate support during key developmental windows can change long-term trajectories for emotionally intense children.
Types of Professional Support
Different families may benefit from different types of support:
- Parent coaching to develop specific strategies for your unique child
- Family therapy to address dynamics and communication patterns
- Individual therapy for your child to build emotional regulation skills
- Group therapy where your child can connect with peers who have similar experiences
- Educational support if emotional intensity is affecting learning
- Parent support groups where you can share experiences and strategies
Remember that seeking help is a sign of strength and commitment to your child’s wellbeing, not a parenting failure. The journey of parenting an emotionally intense child is challenging but also deeply rewarding. These children often grow into adults with remarkable emotional depth, creativity, and compassion—especially when they’ve had parents who understood and supported their unique emotional nature.
By embracing your child’s emotional intensity while providing the structure, skills, and support they need, you’re not just helping them navigate childhood—you’re helping them develop the emotional intelligence that will serve them throughout their lives. And in the process, you may find that you grow in your own emotional awareness and capacity, discovering strengths you never knew you had.
